Thank you so much for all your sweet comments on my last post. I thought of them while I was doing my workout today - I'm still mostly hating it, but I pushed through. Did 10 minutes of cardio today, and I'm aiming for 15 tomorrow.
Today was definitely a day of reflection for me, though. I've been thinking a lot about the self-esteem issues that I have - during my post-workout shower, I was thinking how part of me is working out because I want to feel beautiful and strong. I've never been in a real relationship, mostly because the guys I usually liked didn't like me back, I never wanted to date any of the guys who were interested in me and I had no interest in dating them just for the experience - it seemed both pointless and unfair to lead them on. But while at work, I was talking to one of my friends and she was telling me that she's interested in this girl, but the girl she's interested in has never been in a relationship and it's putting her (my friend) off. That got me all worried, because I'm 25 and honestly, it makes me feel like kind of a freak that I have no experience in that area of life. What my friend told me really played on my fear that no one is ever going to want to date me because it'll be too weird, there'll be too much of a learning curve for me, it'll be too complicated, they won't want to waste their time or energy, like I'll never be worth it for anybody to take a chance on.
Part of my holding back from being in a relationship also stems from certain things that happened when I was younger, and a sort of emotional breakdown I went through when I was in high school related to those events - that was around the same time that I went through puberty and gained a lot of weight, and I do think that part of my weight gain was due to wanting to build a protective shell around myself. My fat has been a way for me to keep people at a distance, and at the same time, it's also been an excuse - if someone didn't like me, I could justify it by telling myself that it's because I'm not pretty enough, I'm too fat, whatever. It scares me to think that when I lose weight, men might show more interest and I'll have to deal with that.
At the same time, I was thinking today about how I've spent the past ten years of my life feeling like I'm ugly and worthless. That, to me, is just heartbreaking. I look back at pictures from three or four years ago, when I went on tour with my best friend's band, and I think, wow, I really was actually kind of cute back then! But I felt hideous and gross and terrible about myself. And then I think, you know, maybe I'm pretty now too, and I don't want to spend ten more years not believing that. I should be enjoying myself, my body, my life, while I'm in my prime.
Which leads me back to the whole relationship thing. I know I've pushed people away because I'm afraid of letting them in, I'm afraid of so many things - feeling ugly, being taken advantage of, getting hurt, whatever. Sometimes I think I need professional help to get through this, because even if I DID let someone in close enough to start some semblance of a relationship, I don't even know how I would deal with the emotional trauma I've been through, and it seems so unfair to have to drag someone else through all of the bullshit with me.
I'm a good person, I'm sweet and funny, I'm caring and loyal, I love so deeply and I'll work really hard to keep the people around me happy, but I'm also impossibly awkward, I don't know how to navigate social situations, I cry a lot, I have all of this fear and lack of experience and sadness. Sometimes, it seems like the negatives outweigh the positives a hundred to one, and it seems impossible that anyone would ever take a chance on me. It's easy to say that the right guy will be patient with me, that he'll love me enough to go through all the hard stuff with me, but I don't know if that's realistic or if that's just something people say to make you feel better. I feel like the bad stuff is going to scare people away faster than the good stuff can keep them close to me.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess you all were just so encouraging and insightful towards my last concerns that I wonder if anyone will have anything to say on this subject. I guess I'll leave this for now, though, since I pretty much just started crying (see!) and I think I should probably step back and reflect on some of this. Thanks in advance for any insight you brilliant ladies have to share. x
For the most part in the past I tended to keep to myself too, as I am also guarded and deeply afraid of getting hurt due to past circumstances. I find though, that as time goes by the more I put myself out there, the more it's not so bad. If anything taking that risk really healed me, as people aren't as evil as I thought they were as a whole (as opposed to high school and even college dynamics, which can be utterly scarring at times--my personal experience that is).
ReplyDeleteFor me it also helps that as I grow in my relationships with others I understand why people are who they are. I try to understand that they might be mean or hurtful for some reason that is, at the moment, beyond themselves, and that one day they will heal, just as I am not always the nicest person due to my own hurts and shortcomings, which need healing, and one day will be fully healed.
Sounds like this entry was a great emotional release for you, which is always a good thing.
I enjoy reading your blog!
Melissa, this post was so moving. And I can relate to it in more ways than one. I am 26 years old with very little experience in the realm of men (and by very little I mean IMPOSSIBLY little). I have had a great fear of men for most of my life. I'm not sure where this stems from as I don't have any past experiences that may have caused these feelings. But, I do. And, yes, I have used my weight as a buffer for as long as I can remember. If a guy I liked didn't like me back, it was okay, because I was fat. And then, I lost a lot of weight and the guys I liked STILL didn't like me. And I couldn't blame my weight any more. So, I started eating again, and put that barrier up again. It is so much easier that way.
ReplyDeleteI have lost weight (again) and am feeling healthy and more confident in myself as a person. I am slowly letting go of the fear - to be honest, I don't think of my lack of experience as a negative any more, but as a positive. We are going to be something special to someone one day.
Having said that, however, I am still petrified of being seen as sexy. I don't get it about myself. The idea of someone finding me sexy (pretty, sure, cute, fine) but sexy? That really scares me. I don't believe it and I am scared of being toyed with or played with and hurt. It's a constant battle for me, that I am still working through.
It is great to get to the bottom of why we are so abusive to our bodies, why we eat, because weight is just a symptom. It's not the cause. In finding out the cause, we can stop the symptom and lead a happy, healthy life. I am glad this process has allowed some self-reflection for you. Keep going, you are getting there.
I'll let you know when I finally let someone in!
To give you an idea, here's a post I wrote a few months back about my body:
http://unpublishedworksofme.blogspot.com/2011/04/150-words-this-body.html
Melissa,your post stirred up so many thoughts and emotions that I don't even know where to start. First and foremost, it is an amazing gift to be able to be self-aware and insightful, to be able to share your emotions and to be open and vulnerable. It's also a strength in a relationship of any kind, which you should be proud of. I do believe that having relationship skills is important, but it certainly is not the most important thing that anyone should consider. What is in their heart, their instincts, their actions, these are all far more important. I read somewhere that men who used internet dating services were asked what was the #1 attribute they were looking for in a woman. What did they all want? A kind woman.
ReplyDeleteI sincerely wish that I could give you more practical advice or a plan to follow or 'the secret'. What I know for sure is that a person is lovable, baggage or not, experience or not, heavy or thin. As my mother would say, there is someone for everyone (which I've seriously doubted at some points in my life). It helps to be open when you are looking. The perfect person for you may not come in the package that you are expecting or in the most ideal circumstances. He may be someone you have known 24 hours or someone (as in my case) that you have known for 13 years.
For years, I seriously doubted the sanity of any guy who had a crush on me. I think I avoided them because I thought that a) they liked me even though they didn't have a clue who I was and b) once they found out who I really was on the inside, they'd run screaming away. Don't discount those guys who want to date you. Get to know them. Do they have a good character? Do they want to get to know you? I spent 13 years holding off a guy like that, because I felt no spark, he wasn't my type, he didn't have the same background as me, it wouldn't work, and I didn't want to ruin our friendship. One day, I looked at him, and woah! Where the heck did this amazing person come from?
He calls when he says he will, he opens doors, he buys thoughtful gifts, he asks how my mother is doing, he makes me laugh. I'm easily 80 pounds overweight, he's known me fat and skinny, and he's always liked my heart and my personality. He exercises with me. He taught me how to cook tofu. He loves to hear about my experiments with green juice. Not only does he know I have baggage, he supported me on the phone while I was experiencing horrors that tore my soul apart. A man who cares about you will care about you through thick or thin, emotionally and physically. Anyone who can't, isn't worth your time.
If you want professional help to get through a personal trauma, do it for you. In the hands of a talented therapist, miracles can occur. Finding a good therapist is like dating (hey, relationship skills!). Leave the bad ones behind you.
Last but not least, there is nothing wrong with not having had a serious relationship at 25. You are selective. You don't waste your time with drivel. Honor that. Be the fabulous person that you are and don't be ashamed of it. Your time will come! xo Amy