Level 2, day 10 and measurements!

So I finally did day 10 of level 2 yesterday - and it only took me 22 days (ewww!). Today's my rest day on my three days on, one day off schedule, so we'll see how that goes, but I'm definitely aiming to finish level 3 in a timely manner.

Measurements, day 20:
weight: 200.4 (+1.2 lbs)

bust (cup): 41" (no change)

bust (band):  33" (+1")

arm (L): 12" (no change)

arm (R): 12.5" (-.5")

waist (smallest part): 31" (-1")

stomach (belly button): 40" (-1.5")

hips: 44" (-.5")

thigh (L): 23" (no change)

thigh (R): 23" (no change)

bikini (L): 28" (+2")

bikini (R): 29 (+2.5")

calf (L): 15.5

calf (R): 15.5

(I don't know if I'm measuring left bikini and right bikini correctly, I think I measured in a different place today because I couldn't remember what underwear I wore last time to follow the elastic line (haha) and I'm kinda considering doing away with those measurements entirely because I don't know if they're accurate...)

Level 2 was, in some ways, a colossal disaster numbers-wise; it took me way too long to finish, and I gained weight instead of losing, but that's totally my fault - the lack of cardio and my week of shitty eating surely made a huge difference there. However, I did lose a couple of inches in some unexpected places, and I don't think I'm imagining the changes level 2 made to my butt - one of my markers is to work my way through a drawer of jeans that don't fit; I organized them from the ones that almost fit to the ones that I couldn't even get up past my knees, and I actually dug the first pair out halfway through level 2 and have been wearing them ever since. Ah-mazing!

I'm going to start setting short-term goals for each level, not related to numbers, but just things that I think I need to focus on for the next 10 days. So, goals for level 3 are:
- to stick to my three days on, one day off schedule and actually finish level 3 in the estimated 13 days it should take
- to do at least 30 minutes of some kind of cardio every day, even if it's just walking my dog
- to work on making healthy food choices
- to continue to focus on self-esteem-building activities and exercises

I'm feeling more inspired and motivated today, but maybe that's just because I haven't previewed level 3 yet... ;) off to do that now!

Level 2, day 9.

On Monday, on my way home from work in the evening, I stopped by the bookstore a few blocks away and picked up a copy of Portia de Rossi's book, Unbearable Lightness. I'd been craving something new to read and while I wasn't too convinced by the reviews on Amazon, I gave it a shot anyway - and oh my Lawd. I read half of it that night before I forced myself to stop and go to bed (at 4 AM, oops!), then finished the other half last night and cried and cried. There was so much that I could relate to in her voice - I don't suffer from anorexia or bulimia, but I do feel like I have eating disordered thinking. I have gone through phases in my life where I didn't eat, or ate very little, and I've also suffered from problems with emotional overeating and other food issues. I was so moved by her book, but it also disturbed me a little because while reading it, I would sometimes find myself thinking "Oh, there's an idea," which made me realize just how susceptible I still am to setting an eating disorder trap for myself.

I like to consider myself pretty knowledgeable about what's good and not-so-good for me to put into my body. I'm not ultra-healthy, I have a lot of issues that need addressing, but I'm also much better than I used to be. One of the things Portia mentioned towards the end of her book is her turn to intuitive eating as a tool in her recovery from her eating disorder. That reminded me of another book I'd been meaning to read, Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. So I bought that one today and started reading it on the way home. I already don't like to think of my diet as restrictive, because I know that restricting foods only makes them more desirable and increases the likelihood of a binge - how do I know this?! Well, I have been known to eat an entire cheesecake in two days, yikes. Still, I strive for balance, and indulging once in a while is part of that - I'd just like to be able to eat ONE slice of cheesecake, instead of the whole thing.

I realized recently, after reading that article on being a Moderator vs. being an Abstainer, that it's easy for me to moderate when there's already a controlled element in play - like if I'm out to dinner at a restaurant, or somewhere where the portion size is regulated, or whatever - but if I'm at home or somewhere where I have free reign, I just can't. I'll eat the whole box of cookies, cake, whatever it is. It might take me two or three days, maybe even a week, but if it's there, I can't not eat it, and my mentality tends to be, "Well, I might as well eat it all so that it's out of the way and I've gotten rid of it." What the heck is that all about?! Hoping the book will help me get to a healthier place and learn to be able to have just a little, with the knowledge that I can have more when I want it.

Intuitive eating is fascinating to me, but it's also pretty scary, and just in the first few chapters, I feel like a lot of those fears were addressed. The one that I'm thinking about the most tonight is the mistrust I feel towards my own body, my own instincts and desires. I think that really plays into my whole quest to work on my self-esteem; I think learning to trust myself will be a big step on that journey.

One of the things the authors mentioned in the book is doing exercise because it makes you feel good, not because of the calorie burn. Now, I definitely love my MS (even if I absolutely hate it sometimes, too) - but cardio is the one that's hardest for me lately. I've been considering alternative cardio workouts, and a colleague at work recommended Zumba today, so I'm not really sure where I'm going to go with that. But I'm thinkin' on it. It's also got me wondering if I should stop weighing myself, since using weight as a unit of measurement and progress can be dangerously hard on my self-esteem (I know, because I off-handedly weighed myself yesterday after my indulgent week last week, and was super-sad to see a several-pound gain).

I also bought Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Diet, after seeing it mentioned on Amy's wonderful blog. It looked pretty engaging, and I LOVE books about food and nutrition (I have way too many already), so I splurged a little and bought it today as well. I'm really curious about what Ms. Carr has to say - I already eat vegetarian (though I have been thinking about allowing myself a little fish once in a while), and I have a growing interest in juicing (thanks to The 3-Day Cleanse, yummm), so I'm curious about what more I can learn. I'm also curious about how this kind of stuff plays into intuitive eating, how I can reconcile those two paths that seem kind of different. But maybe, hopefully, they're not that different, or that difficult to reconcile, after all.

Level 2, days 7 & 8.

I can't believe it's been almost a week since I did my Tracy! It just goes to show that if I allow myself too much slack, it's way too easy for me to get off track. I did my workout today, pushing myself to do 15 reps for most of the exercises, and I took a 15-minute walk with my dog and then tacked on a measly 5 minutes of rebounder work, but that's still a total of 20 minutes for cardio... kinda.

Food-wise, things were definitely not so great this past week, either. I made a roasted vegetable lasagna with mushrooms and zucchini, which was delicious, but c'mon - carbs and cheese always are. I also went to a family dinner for my grandmother's 80th birthday and had one of the only vegetarian dishes on the menu, which just so happened to be (god, I don't even want to say it) pasta in a three-cheese sauce. The sauce was so rich and thick and creamy, but not even in a good way - it felt like a weight in my stomach, it wasn't even good because it was just too much. And then when I went to brunch with my best friend over the weekend, I had a delicious meal and felt the opposite of what the pasta made me feel - that satisfied feeling where you know your belly is full of delicious, good stuff - but when we got back to my place, we ended up making chocolate chip cookies, hahahaha. So this week has been really indulgent and kind of gross, but I'm back on the train now. I'm going to caramelize some onions and wilt some baby spinach and make a quiche (I've made three already in the past couple of weeks, I'm back on a quiche kick).

I'm also thinking that I might try, instead of doing six days on, one day off, to do three days on, one day off. I think it might be more manageable for me to work in three-day increments, so I won't get totally discouraged waiting for my next rest day - and I'll still be doing six days a week, but my rest day will move around. The only concern I have with that is if I can't fit a workout in on a specific day, but whatever, I will just have to suck it up and learn to wake up an hour earlier if I have to!

Level 2, days 5 & 6.

Day 5 was on Saturday, but after all that soul-searching the night before, I didn't have much energy left for blogging. And that turned into two days off... and now back on again, and, somehow, I've made it past the halfway mark for level 2? How did this happen?!

Today's MS was stellar - well, as stellar as it can be, for me. I did 15 reps of everything, except that last ta-da move, where I did 10 reps on the right side and 8 reps on the left, hahaha. 15 reps doesn't sound like a lot, but the back of my neck/hairline was dripping and I was wobbling like crazy. I'm really proud of myself for pushing through and not giving myself any shortcuts or excuses. DC was not so stellar, I don't know if I even managed 10 minutes. I tried to do the Meta DC on the floor, and then on the rebounder, and my body just wasn't having it. After getting used to DC on the rebounder, trying to jump on the floor feels so terrible, the ground feels so hard. It might be that I need new shoes, I don't know, but cardio's giving me such trouble lately. I'm longing for spring, when I can go out "treadmill" dancing on the bike path - or just walking, or running, or whatever. My body feels like it's craving a jog, and I'm peeved that I can't do that, especially not after we had a SNOWSTORM this weekend!

I've also been thinking a lot about motivation. I know I'm not committed enough to this program, I'm taking way too many rest days. I'd really like to do my Meta at LEAST 5, if not 6, days a week. I also think I need to take a long, hard look at my diet and re-download one of the calorie counting apps I had on my iPod (or when I hopefully get an iPhone 4S?!) so that I can track what I'm eating and be more self-aware in that way.

My mom used to do Richard Simmons - I remember she had one of his Sweatin' To The Oldies VHS tapes, and his FoodMover program - and she also has this book he wrote called Never Give Up, which I dug out of her bedroom and started reading again. His energy is so infectious and the stories are so inspiring - many of these people weighed so much more than I do, and had 200, 300, 400 lbs. to lose. It's kind of helping me put things into perspective.

I have more that I want to say about self-esteem and a conversation I had at work and everything that I've been thinking about, but I'll have to cut this short because I have to leave for work in 15 minutes, so I'll leave it for tomorrow. To be continued!...

Level 2, day 4 and some thoughts on self-esteem and relationships.

Thank you so much for all your sweet comments on my last post. I thought of them while I was doing my workout today - I'm still mostly hating it, but I pushed through. Did 10 minutes of cardio today, and I'm aiming for 15 tomorrow.

Today was definitely a day of reflection for me, though. I've been thinking a lot about the self-esteem issues that I have - during my post-workout shower, I was thinking how part of me is working out because I want to feel beautiful and strong. I've never been in a real relationship, mostly because the guys I usually liked didn't like me back, I never wanted to date any of the guys who were interested in me and I had no interest in dating them just for the experience - it seemed both pointless and unfair to lead them on. But while at work, I was talking to one of my friends and she was telling me that she's interested in this girl, but the girl she's interested in has never been in a relationship and it's putting her (my friend) off. That got me all worried, because I'm 25 and honestly, it makes me feel like kind of a freak that I have no experience in that area of life. What my friend told me really played on my fear that no one is ever going to want to date me because it'll be too weird, there'll be too much of a learning curve for me, it'll be too complicated, they won't want to waste their time or energy, like I'll never be worth it for anybody to take a chance on.

Part of my holding back from being in a relationship also stems from certain things that happened when I was younger, and a sort of emotional breakdown I went through when I was in high school related to those events - that was around the same time that I went through puberty and gained a lot of weight, and I do think that part of my weight gain was due to wanting to build a protective shell around myself. My fat has been a way for me to keep people at a distance, and at the same time, it's also been an excuse - if someone didn't like me, I could justify it by telling myself that it's because I'm not pretty enough, I'm too fat, whatever. It scares me to think that when I lose weight, men might show more interest and I'll have to deal with that.

At the same time, I was thinking today about how I've spent the past ten years of my life feeling like I'm ugly and worthless. That, to me, is just heartbreaking. I look back at pictures from three or four years ago, when I went on tour with my best friend's band, and I think, wow, I really was actually kind of cute back then! But I felt hideous and gross and terrible about myself. And then I think, you know, maybe I'm pretty now too, and I don't want to spend ten more years not believing that. I should be enjoying myself, my body, my life, while I'm in my prime.

Which leads me back to the whole relationship thing. I know I've pushed people away because I'm afraid of letting them in, I'm afraid of so many things - feeling ugly, being taken advantage of, getting hurt, whatever. Sometimes I think I need professional help to get through this, because even if I DID let someone in close enough to start some semblance of a relationship, I don't even know how I would deal with the emotional trauma I've been through, and it seems so unfair to have to drag someone else through all of the bullshit with me.

I'm a good person, I'm sweet and funny, I'm caring and loyal, I love so deeply and I'll work really hard to keep the people around me happy, but I'm also impossibly awkward, I don't know how to navigate social situations, I cry a lot, I have all of this fear and lack of experience and sadness. Sometimes, it seems like the negatives outweigh the positives a hundred to one, and it seems impossible that anyone would ever take a chance on me. It's easy to say that the right guy will be patient with me, that he'll love me enough to go through all the hard stuff with me, but I don't know if that's realistic or if that's just something people say to make you feel better. I feel like the bad stuff is going to scare people away faster than the good stuff can keep them close to me.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess you all were just so encouraging and insightful towards my last concerns that I wonder if anyone will have anything to say on this subject. I guess I'll leave this for now, though, since I pretty much just started crying (see!) and I think I should probably step back and reflect on some of this. Thanks in advance for any insight you brilliant ladies have to share. x

Level 2, day 3.

I guess I kinda disappeared for a while, there... part of it was my stomach bug, part of it was pure laziness, but I somehow managed to convince myself that I didn't want to quit and I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and did my workout today.

Well, kinda.

Arms and abs were okay, but it's legs that kill me - I couldn't even bust out 10 reps for some of these moves, which, of course, made me feel really frustrated and disappointed in myself, and that nagging little voice in my head came back. The one that says, "maybe Tracy is only for people who are already in fairly good shape. Maybe you should give up on this until you're in better shape. Maybe you should just give up entirely and accept that you're fat and you're going to be fat forever!" I HATE that little voice, because it's so easy for me to believe it. I have to really fight to tell myself that Tracy is HOW I'm getting in shape, that by pushing through this, I'll eventually be able to keep up with her much better.

What frustrates me also is that my legs are the strongest part of my body - they're very muscular and firm and strong already, so I hate that they're the hardest part of the MS for me to get through. Sometimes it's due to my poor upper body strength (hello, torture device more commonly known as planks), but sometimes I just feel like my legs are so heavy that I can't lift them. It makes me feel weak and angry and sad.

I also only managed a pitiful 5 minutes of cardio - I got through one song and then broke down and went off to take a shower. The past few days have been so beautiful, weather-wise, that I was hoping to get out for a brisk walk with my dog, but then I caught a flurry of snowflakes falling outside (damnit!) so I guess that ain't happenin' for now.

I feel like I'm in such a quitting mood lately, and I'm sure it's due to a whole bunch of stuff - getting over my bug, not really having eaten real food for three days until I stuffed my face with crap last night, having been out of the workout loop for several days, being on a torturous level that's bad enough even on a good day... I keep trying to stay positive, and, to be fair, I did feel a little swell of pride when I looked in the mirror dressed in my tights and tank-top before my workout, thinking that my body does have a nice shape and I'm actually getting a nice butt and muscles in my arms.

I just get so discouraged by the amount of weight I have to lose, but I have to keep telling myself that I'm not going to lose it by sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I don't mind if it comes off more slowly, I don't expect to lose ten pounds in two weeks or something - it's not the progress that bothers me, it's the sheer size of the mountain I'm trying to climb. It's easy for me to pep talk myself with all of the "take it one day at a time" stuff, but it's much harder for me to actually absorb that and live it and try to find some kind of balance and make some kind of peace with the journey I'm on.

Level 2, day 2.

Today was definitely a tough one - I only did 15 minutes of cardio, and I scraped through another 10 or 15 reps in my MS, but I could already feel slight changes (for example, I actually managed to do the last "ta-da!" move today). I also used 3 lbs. weights for my arms, which made a CRAZY difference, holy crap they were so heavy! I definitely think they're going to make a huge difference in my arms.

Food-wise, I went grocery shopping last night and bought a huge bunch of dill to try in a salad recipe. While wondering, "What else can I do with dill?" I remembered my best friend's incredible potato salad, so I sent her an email asking her what she puts in there and when I got home last night, I made a big bowl of potato salad - and promptly ate most of it. I finished it for breakfast today, and I'm already planning another batch.

See, my best friend is the kind of person who can throw a bunch of ingredients together and make a meal. She doesn't usually bother with measuring anything, she just tosses it all in there as she goes along. So I used her philosophy while making her potato salad, tossing together some sour cream with a little mayo, loads of chopped dill, boiled potatoes and hard-boiled eggs, chopped leek, and I added some diced celery for a little crunch. I'll have to make it again with Greek yogurt today, since I only bought the littlest container of sour cream, so we'll see how that turns out, but I think she would approve of my adventurous spirit. As long as it tastes good, right?

Level 2, day 1.

After previewing level 2 last night, I thought "What fresh hell is this?!" Everything looked so fast and insane, for a few minutes I thought I must have skipped ahead to level 3 by accident, but alas.

I still feel like there should have been a level in between to prepare me for this madness, but I'm sure that's part of the process - to push yourself harder, so that by the end of level 2, I'll be all "I can do it after all!" I mean, that's my hope, because I definitely couldn't do it all today. I barely managed 10 reps of everything, and some, like that move where you have to lift off on your palm and one knee, the one where she tells you to have the "ta-da!" moment with your foot, I couldn't even manage at all. I'm reeeeeally hoping I can manage to step it up as I go along, because today's MS was totally pathetic.

As for DC, I did maybe 20 minutes (10 before MS and 10 after) before stepping off the rebounder to get some water, and when I did that, my legs were so wobbly that I felt like I was in Harry Potter and someone had put the Jelly-Legs Jinx on me. Also, Jelly-Arms. While I was previewing arms yesterday, I thought "Holy crap, I'll never be able to do them that fast," but I DID. It was much easier to follow when I was actually doing them, and the free arms made my arms burn SO BAD. I used my 1 lb. weights since it was my first day, but I think I'll move up to 3 lbs. from now on, since I really want to push myself with arms. Anyway, I can hardly walk or lift my arms or hold anything, which I think is a good start for level 2.