I guess I kinda disappeared for a while, there... part of it was my stomach bug, part of it was pure laziness, but I somehow managed to convince myself that I didn't want to quit and I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and did my workout today.
Well, kinda.
Arms and abs were okay, but it's legs that kill me - I couldn't even bust out 10 reps for some of these moves, which, of course, made me feel really frustrated and disappointed in myself, and that nagging little voice in my head came back. The one that says, "maybe Tracy is only for people who are already in fairly good shape. Maybe you should give up on this until you're in better shape. Maybe you should just give up entirely and accept that you're fat and you're going to be fat forever!" I HATE that little voice, because it's so easy for me to believe it. I have to really fight to tell myself that Tracy is HOW I'm getting in shape, that by pushing through this, I'll eventually be able to keep up with her much better.
What frustrates me also is that my legs are the strongest part of my body - they're very muscular and firm and strong already, so I hate that they're the hardest part of the MS for me to get through. Sometimes it's due to my poor upper body strength (hello, torture device more commonly known as planks), but sometimes I just feel like my legs are so heavy that I can't lift them. It makes me feel weak and angry and sad.
I also only managed a pitiful 5 minutes of cardio - I got through one song and then broke down and went off to take a shower. The past few days have been so beautiful, weather-wise, that I was hoping to get out for a brisk walk with my dog, but then I caught a flurry of snowflakes falling outside (damnit!) so I guess that ain't happenin' for now.
I feel like I'm in such a quitting mood lately, and I'm sure it's due to a whole bunch of stuff - getting over my bug, not really having eaten real food for three days until I stuffed my face with crap last night, having been out of the workout loop for several days, being on a torturous level that's bad enough even on a good day... I keep trying to stay positive, and, to be fair, I did feel a little swell of pride when I looked in the mirror dressed in my tights and tank-top before my workout, thinking that my body does have a nice shape and I'm actually getting a nice butt and muscles in my arms.
I just get so discouraged by the amount of weight I have to lose, but I have to keep telling myself that I'm not going to lose it by sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I don't mind if it comes off more slowly, I don't expect to lose ten pounds in two weeks or something - it's not the progress that bothers me, it's the sheer size of the mountain I'm trying to climb. It's easy for me to pep talk myself with all of the "take it one day at a time" stuff, but it's much harder for me to actually absorb that and live it and try to find some kind of balance and make some kind of peace with the journey I'm on.
I totally feel the EXACT same way about legs sometimes! I'm thinking, "these legs of mine are not lightweight, Tracy! I can't just lift them so effortlessly like you."
ReplyDeleteI think we all struggle through it though. The important thing that I've learned is to just not be so hard on yourself. So long as your are continuing, you are already on the right path to reach your goals.
I think it was someone on the facebook page who mentioned that Tracy's had 10+ years of doing this Method, so of course she's going to make it look effortless... but I don't know if I'll ever look that graceful, not even after years and years, haha!
DeleteThank you so much for your comment, it's so good to know that I'm not alone, and to have a reminder to not be hard on myself. You're right - the most important thing is to not give up :)
Melissa, I can understand where you are coming from. I can also reassure you that TAM is not just for the light of body or already in shape. I started TAM weighing at least 80 lbs overweight and having done no exercise for quite a period of time before hand. Every day is a struggle on the mat, even when I feel good. It is hard! But I like it to be a challenge. That makes it even more amazing when I can conquer a sequence or an exercise. Level 2 felt awful to me, right up to the very end. Battle through it - some days are better than others. I can guarantee that it will be worth it!
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel like the only person out there who has a significant amount of weight to lose on TAM, which I know is SO not true, I know for sure that there are plenty of others with 60-80 lbs to lose, like me! I'm in the same situation - I'm not an athletic, sporty person by nature, the only exercise I really do is walking, so I have to remind myself that I'm starting from nothing here and that's okay. You're right about the challenge, how that's what allows us to feel a success, and that's what I try to hold onto. I can only pray that level 3 will be easier to get through than level 2, haha.
DeleteI feel the same way about my legs!! The good thing, is that when it's hurting, you know it's working, girl! Keep it up, you're doing great!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Parker! The post-workout ache really is one of my favorite things, when I wake up the next morning and I know I really pushed myself :)
DeleteMelissa, when I read this, it was like hearing myself speak. I too have that little voice inside my head saying - just quit, just don't even bother, you'll never get there - just yesterday I had to shut it up to be able to go outside for a run ... it's hard and it's a constant mental battle.
ReplyDeleteI saw a really interesting piece on TV about a woman who was morbidly obese, so much so that she couldn't leave the house. She said something that still haunts me. She said, the worst thing you can do is listen to that little voice inside your head that says "I'll start again tomorrow". Because, tomorrow never comes.
Try to keep yourself motivated (believe me I know how hard it is) and just think of it as every movement or bit of exercise you do, even 8 reps, is better than no reps at all. Push through, because you will feel better. And the results will come.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You can do this!
Best of luck!!**
http://unpublishedworksofme.blogspot.com/
I love the quote that you shared, because it's so true. I've spent years and years putting off taking care of my weight, and I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be in the same place a year from now, having wasted even more time.
DeleteI read your comment before I did my workout today and it really motivated me - I still couldn't do many reps today, but I kept telling myself that every single one was better than nothing. Thank you for your comment. x
Melissa, you are doing fantastic lady! As hard as we are on ourselves please know that you are doing an AMAZING job and have come so far in a short time. Baby steps - it will happen - and I'll be here to cheer you on!
ReplyDeleteYour comment made me cry (in a good way, though!) Thank you so much for your support, I'm so glad we've reconnected in the blogging world.
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