On Monday, on my way home from work in the evening, I stopped by the bookstore a few blocks away and picked up a copy of Portia de Rossi's book, Unbearable Lightness. I'd been craving something new to read and while I wasn't too convinced by the reviews on Amazon, I gave it a shot anyway - and oh my Lawd. I read half of it that night before I forced myself to stop and go to bed (at 4 AM, oops!), then finished the other half last night and cried and cried. There was so much that I could relate to in her voice - I don't suffer from anorexia or bulimia, but I do feel like I have eating disordered thinking. I have gone through phases in my life where I didn't eat, or ate very little, and I've also suffered from problems with emotional overeating and other food issues. I was so moved by her book, but it also disturbed me a little because while reading it, I would sometimes find myself thinking "Oh, there's an idea," which made me realize just how susceptible I still am to setting an eating disorder trap for myself.
I like to consider myself pretty knowledgeable about what's good and not-so-good for me to put into my body. I'm not ultra-healthy, I have a lot of issues that need addressing, but I'm also much better than I used to be. One of the things Portia mentioned towards the end of her book is her turn to intuitive eating as a tool in her recovery from her eating disorder. That reminded me of another book I'd been meaning to read, Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. So I bought that one today and started reading it on the way home. I already don't like to think of my diet as restrictive, because I know that restricting foods only makes them more desirable and increases the likelihood of a binge - how do I know this?! Well, I have been known to eat an entire cheesecake in two days, yikes. Still, I strive for balance, and indulging once in a while is part of that - I'd just like to be able to eat ONE slice of cheesecake, instead of the whole thing.
I realized recently, after reading that article on being a Moderator vs. being an Abstainer, that it's easy for me to moderate when there's already a controlled element in play - like if I'm out to dinner at a restaurant, or somewhere where the portion size is regulated, or whatever - but if I'm at home or somewhere where I have free reign, I just can't. I'll eat the whole box of cookies, cake, whatever it is. It might take me two or three days, maybe even a week, but if it's there, I can't not eat it, and my mentality tends to be, "Well, I might as well eat it all so that it's out of the way and I've gotten rid of it." What the heck is that all about?! Hoping the book will help me get to a healthier place and learn to be able to have just a little, with the knowledge that I can have more when I want it.
Intuitive eating is fascinating to me, but it's also pretty scary, and just in the first few chapters, I feel like a lot of those fears were addressed. The one that I'm thinking about the most tonight is the mistrust I feel towards my own body, my own instincts and desires. I think that really plays into my whole quest to work on my self-esteem; I think learning to trust myself will be a big step on that journey.
One of the things the authors mentioned in the book is doing exercise because it makes you feel good, not because of the calorie burn. Now, I definitely love my MS (even if I absolutely hate it sometimes, too) - but cardio is the one that's hardest for me lately. I've been considering alternative cardio workouts, and a colleague at work recommended Zumba today, so I'm not really sure where I'm going to go with that. But I'm thinkin' on it. It's also got me wondering if I should stop weighing myself, since using weight as a unit of measurement and progress can be dangerously hard on my self-esteem (I know, because I off-handedly weighed myself yesterday after my indulgent week last week, and was super-sad to see a several-pound gain).
I also bought Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Diet, after seeing it mentioned on Amy's wonderful blog. It looked pretty engaging, and I LOVE books about food and nutrition (I have way too many already), so I splurged a little and bought it today as well. I'm really curious about what Ms. Carr has to say - I already eat vegetarian (though I have been thinking about allowing myself a little fish once in a while), and I have a growing interest in juicing (thanks to The 3-Day Cleanse, yummm), so I'm curious about what more I can learn. I'm also curious about how this kind of stuff plays into intuitive eating, how I can reconcile those two paths that seem kind of different. But maybe, hopefully, they're not that different, or that difficult to reconcile, after all.
No comments:
Post a Comment