Level 3, day 7.

I don't know how it happened, but I ended up taking 6 days off from Tracy - SIX days! There was a lot of stuff happening in my personal life, a lot of stress and anxiety, and after a total meltdown yesterday, today I was finally able to pick myself back up and start again.

I know that Tracy says we should be working out 5-6 days a week, but I wonder if maybe I should scale back a little and try to aim for a minimum of 3-4 days a week. Of course, 5-6 would be better, but a part of me feels like maybe that psychs me out, maybe it would be more manageable for me to start with 3-4 days a week and work my way up. I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about how I want to choose to work out because I WANT to, not because I have to. And I do love Tracy's MS, but I don't always want to do it all the time. I guess I just have to find a balance between pushing myself to do it when it will do me some good, without losing motivation because I feel like I'm being forced to do something I don't wanna.

Today's MS was definitely tough - I dropped back down to 10-15 reps of each move, as usual when I haven't worked out for a few days in a row. And I didn't get any cardio in, because it SNOWED (yuck!). But I do feel a little better just being back on the right track.

Level 3, day 6.

We're continuing on with our streak of gorgeous weather, so today was another day for a long walk - I ended up taking the walk before I did my MS, so I was already good and sweaty when I got home. My love for level 3 seems to have diminished, perhaps even disappeared entirely, because today was hella hard to get through, but I did it. I'm not sure I'll be able to get my workout done tomorrow, since I'm working a longer shift, but I'll at least try for a walk, probably in the evening when it's a little cooler because my poor dog was panting like crazy in the hot sun today. Fortunately, I have an itty bitty 4-hour shift on Friday, and the day off on Saturday, so they should be good workout days.

I made the mistake of weighing myself today, which was a huge reminder that the scale is the worst measure of progress for me. I've been noticing the changes in my body - yesterday I noticed a dent in my thigh when I move a certain way, like the line of a muscle, and today I even noticed that I'm starting to get a dent on the side of my butt. I've been feeling a lot better about myself; I even cut myself a pair of jean shorts because I wore holes in the inner thighs of my jeans, hahaha, and I wear them out to walk with black leggings underneath, but weighing myself throws me back into a place of feeling so bad about myself. I kind of wish I hadn't bought a scale to begin with, because even though I keep my scale in the bottom drawer of my dresser, it's far too easy to just whip it out every once in a while.

Level 3, days 4 & 5.

Just checking in: I did day 4 on Thursday, and then had a rest day on Friday, which was great because I was working a 10-hour shift for a product launch at my store - but my rest day turned into two rest days, and then three rest days, because my weekend was so busy and on top of that, I actually got sent home early on Saturday because I was having such terrible cramps. Okay, so it was only 15 minutes early, but still! I ended up going to the pharmacy to buy more Aleve, which was what the last pharmacist had recommended, but since it wasn't helping much, I asked the pharmacist at this store if she had anything stronger and she sold me another painkiller (with codeine!) and told me to combine them at the first sign of pain.

The pharmacist told me that often, we try to wait out the pain, but that I should actually nip it in the bud when it first starts. It kind of made me think of how I handle emotional pain - how, often, I'll torture myself with it - and I'm kind of starting to consider if there are better ways of dealing with my feelings, ways that are kinder and gentler for me. One of the books that's been floating around my environment for months now is Byron Katie's "Loving What Is," and I'm thinking that maybe when I get paid later this week, I'll pick it up and see how it can help me. Have any of you read it?

This weekend was gorrrgeous, weather-wise - it was like we skipped spring and went straight to summer. I started taking my dog out for 40-minute walks along the bike path, and I let her off the leash when there aren't too many people around so she can run and tire herself out. That's what we did this morning, and when I got home, I got back to my Tracy, even though I didn't really want to. I had a lot of trouble with standing abs today, because my stomach kind of hurt and I felt uncomfortable, but the rest of the MS went pretty well. I can't believe I'm already at the halfway mark, though! And that in five more days, I'll be finished the first DVD.

One thing I've noticed is that this past week, it feels like my thighs have gotten a lot more muscular, which I'm loving. Sometimes, if I'm walking up the stairs at work or something, I'll put my hand on my thigh or give it a squeeze to feel how hard it is, hahaha. I may not be losing much weight, if any, since I haven't been focused on food or cardio, but I can definitely still see small changes in my body and I'm excited to follow that progress.

Level 3, day 3 and body inspiration.

Nothing exciting to report today, except that my legs were shaking so hard for the last few moves, I actually couldn't do more than maybe 5 reps towards the end. I've also been waking up not so much sore, but really stiff. I do work out with my space heater on, but I wonder if it's enough - I also think I need to stretch more, but I'm never really sure how. I think I'll take a look at the stretches Tracy suggests in the 30-Day Method book, I seem to recall a couple in there. I'm also planning on visiting that gym I signed up for soon - maybe hot yoga will help with my flexibility and stiffness, too.

As for my goals for this level, the cardio goal is definitely failing. It rained yesterday and today it SNOWED (grrrrrr!), which means I totally lose motivation to do anything at all. I'm thinking I might also need to invest in a new pair of shoes, so I looked up some good shoes for over-pronators and got all excited - except for the fact that they're so expensive and definitely not in my budget for now. Sigh. I guess I'll stick with my old running shoes for now (they're not THAT old, I just feel like I could be getting better support, especially if I want to do more high impact cardio), but I'll try to start saving up for new shoes along with everything else.

The past couple of days, I've been going through my "fitspiration" pictures a whole lot. I have 200+ pictures of body inspiration in a folder on my computer - some of them are celebrities, some of them are models or athletes, some of them are random people - but the one that I find myself gravitating to the most is Kim Kardashian. I have an hourglass figure, though I lack her amazing butt, and that's not something I want to lose. I like my boobs and my hips and, especially, my small waist, even if my proportions make it really hard to dress; I want to keep those proportions, but I'd like to tighten and tone and firm everything up. I don't think I'll ever have the long, lean legs I crave - I think mine are more muscular, Beyonce legs - but I'd love to slim them down. I want toned, slender arms and a flat stomach (though I don't mind a little softness there, I don't need crazy abs). Some of the other celebs in my folder include Scarlett Johansson, Katy Perry, Megan Fox, young Elizabeth Taylor or Brigitte Bardot or Jane Fonda - there are so many strong, beautiful, confident women out there who inspire me. Who's your body inspiration? What part of your body do you love?

Level 3, day 2.

My three days on, one day off schedule started off a little rocky, since I took two rest days on Sunday and Monday - I don't know why I was so exhausted, but I suspect it has something to do with PMSing. However, I forced myself back onto the horse today and it only confirmed my suspicions about level 3 - I love it. It's so difficult and I can barely get through (I managed 20 reps for some of the leg moves, then 10-15 for the rest), but in the most amazing way that makes me feel so great. The ab moves are also incredible on this level, I was actually able to push much harder today - I love all the angles. And arms with weights went well, but it's definitely hard to follow at Tracy's speed, haha.

I finished reading Crazy Sexy Diet recently, and I'm thinking about going on the 21-Day Cleanse proposed in the book - cutting out dairy, gluten and sugar for three weeks might kill me, but I think it'll be interesting to see how it affects my body (and maybe my mind). I went to the grocery store tonight and bought some produce to make more juice, and I also bought some pizza pockets and cheesecake in the name of my experiences in Intuitive Eating - it kind of feels weird, like I'm making an excuse to give myself permission to eat "bad" food, but that's exactly what the authors were discussing in the chapter I finished last night - that there are no "good" or "bad" foods, that that's a diet mentality, and the challenge that they proposed was to make a list of foods you don't usually allow yourself to eat, go to the grocery store and buy them one at a time, and eat them. So I grabbed two of the foods that I crave and stay away from the most, and we'll see how this experience goes! I'm really enjoying the book so far - and not just because I get to eat foods that were previously off-limits.

I haven't done my cardio yet; the weather over the past two days was incredible but it rained last night and today's been a little cold, so I'm trying to pump myself up to go for a walk with the dog.

Level 3, day 1.

I really didn't want to do my workout today (no surprise there) but I did my first day of level 3 and I have to say, I think I am going to like this one. I did arms without weights since it was my first day, and there was definitely some difficult getting through abs - I have a hard time getting the angles right with standing abs, and an even harder time knowing when to inhale and exhale for abs on the floor - I catch myself holding my breath a lot and have to really remember to inhale. I also really like the leg work, especially all the attitude butt lifts, even though some of it was pretty tough. But I feel like I'm going to love this level; it's definitely less horrendous than level 2 was. I also walked my dog for 20 minutes, and then did 5 minutes of rebounding before my ankle and knee really started hurting.

I also got a Groupon in my inbox this morning for a three-month gym membership for only $49. They have hot yoga and Zumba, which are both things that I've wanted to try, and I could also use the treadmill to try a little treadmill dancing, and use the sauna. Included in the three-month package was also a 30-minute consultation with a trainer, and a custom training plan - I don't think I really need that, since I like the toning I'm doing with Tracy and my focus is more cardio, but we'll see what the trainer has to suggest. You can also get 50% off your first massage at their spa, which is also something I was thinking about treating myself to, so it seems like the whole offer was just tailor-made for me, like some Secret-universe-manifesting thing! The gym's a little far, but it's accessible by public transit so I can go when I'm working (or maybe even when I'm not, we'll see if I feel like commuting an hour, hour and a half to get there, haha). There are a few things that I'm nervous about, but I think it's best to just take it one day at a time.

Level 2, day 10 and measurements!

So I finally did day 10 of level 2 yesterday - and it only took me 22 days (ewww!). Today's my rest day on my three days on, one day off schedule, so we'll see how that goes, but I'm definitely aiming to finish level 3 in a timely manner.

Measurements, day 20:
weight: 200.4 (+1.2 lbs)

bust (cup): 41" (no change)

bust (band):  33" (+1")

arm (L): 12" (no change)

arm (R): 12.5" (-.5")

waist (smallest part): 31" (-1")

stomach (belly button): 40" (-1.5")

hips: 44" (-.5")

thigh (L): 23" (no change)

thigh (R): 23" (no change)

bikini (L): 28" (+2")

bikini (R): 29 (+2.5")

calf (L): 15.5

calf (R): 15.5

(I don't know if I'm measuring left bikini and right bikini correctly, I think I measured in a different place today because I couldn't remember what underwear I wore last time to follow the elastic line (haha) and I'm kinda considering doing away with those measurements entirely because I don't know if they're accurate...)

Level 2 was, in some ways, a colossal disaster numbers-wise; it took me way too long to finish, and I gained weight instead of losing, but that's totally my fault - the lack of cardio and my week of shitty eating surely made a huge difference there. However, I did lose a couple of inches in some unexpected places, and I don't think I'm imagining the changes level 2 made to my butt - one of my markers is to work my way through a drawer of jeans that don't fit; I organized them from the ones that almost fit to the ones that I couldn't even get up past my knees, and I actually dug the first pair out halfway through level 2 and have been wearing them ever since. Ah-mazing!

I'm going to start setting short-term goals for each level, not related to numbers, but just things that I think I need to focus on for the next 10 days. So, goals for level 3 are:
- to stick to my three days on, one day off schedule and actually finish level 3 in the estimated 13 days it should take
- to do at least 30 minutes of some kind of cardio every day, even if it's just walking my dog
- to work on making healthy food choices
- to continue to focus on self-esteem-building activities and exercises

I'm feeling more inspired and motivated today, but maybe that's just because I haven't previewed level 3 yet... ;) off to do that now!

Level 2, day 9.

On Monday, on my way home from work in the evening, I stopped by the bookstore a few blocks away and picked up a copy of Portia de Rossi's book, Unbearable Lightness. I'd been craving something new to read and while I wasn't too convinced by the reviews on Amazon, I gave it a shot anyway - and oh my Lawd. I read half of it that night before I forced myself to stop and go to bed (at 4 AM, oops!), then finished the other half last night and cried and cried. There was so much that I could relate to in her voice - I don't suffer from anorexia or bulimia, but I do feel like I have eating disordered thinking. I have gone through phases in my life where I didn't eat, or ate very little, and I've also suffered from problems with emotional overeating and other food issues. I was so moved by her book, but it also disturbed me a little because while reading it, I would sometimes find myself thinking "Oh, there's an idea," which made me realize just how susceptible I still am to setting an eating disorder trap for myself.

I like to consider myself pretty knowledgeable about what's good and not-so-good for me to put into my body. I'm not ultra-healthy, I have a lot of issues that need addressing, but I'm also much better than I used to be. One of the things Portia mentioned towards the end of her book is her turn to intuitive eating as a tool in her recovery from her eating disorder. That reminded me of another book I'd been meaning to read, Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. So I bought that one today and started reading it on the way home. I already don't like to think of my diet as restrictive, because I know that restricting foods only makes them more desirable and increases the likelihood of a binge - how do I know this?! Well, I have been known to eat an entire cheesecake in two days, yikes. Still, I strive for balance, and indulging once in a while is part of that - I'd just like to be able to eat ONE slice of cheesecake, instead of the whole thing.

I realized recently, after reading that article on being a Moderator vs. being an Abstainer, that it's easy for me to moderate when there's already a controlled element in play - like if I'm out to dinner at a restaurant, or somewhere where the portion size is regulated, or whatever - but if I'm at home or somewhere where I have free reign, I just can't. I'll eat the whole box of cookies, cake, whatever it is. It might take me two or three days, maybe even a week, but if it's there, I can't not eat it, and my mentality tends to be, "Well, I might as well eat it all so that it's out of the way and I've gotten rid of it." What the heck is that all about?! Hoping the book will help me get to a healthier place and learn to be able to have just a little, with the knowledge that I can have more when I want it.

Intuitive eating is fascinating to me, but it's also pretty scary, and just in the first few chapters, I feel like a lot of those fears were addressed. The one that I'm thinking about the most tonight is the mistrust I feel towards my own body, my own instincts and desires. I think that really plays into my whole quest to work on my self-esteem; I think learning to trust myself will be a big step on that journey.

One of the things the authors mentioned in the book is doing exercise because it makes you feel good, not because of the calorie burn. Now, I definitely love my MS (even if I absolutely hate it sometimes, too) - but cardio is the one that's hardest for me lately. I've been considering alternative cardio workouts, and a colleague at work recommended Zumba today, so I'm not really sure where I'm going to go with that. But I'm thinkin' on it. It's also got me wondering if I should stop weighing myself, since using weight as a unit of measurement and progress can be dangerously hard on my self-esteem (I know, because I off-handedly weighed myself yesterday after my indulgent week last week, and was super-sad to see a several-pound gain).

I also bought Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Diet, after seeing it mentioned on Amy's wonderful blog. It looked pretty engaging, and I LOVE books about food and nutrition (I have way too many already), so I splurged a little and bought it today as well. I'm really curious about what Ms. Carr has to say - I already eat vegetarian (though I have been thinking about allowing myself a little fish once in a while), and I have a growing interest in juicing (thanks to The 3-Day Cleanse, yummm), so I'm curious about what more I can learn. I'm also curious about how this kind of stuff plays into intuitive eating, how I can reconcile those two paths that seem kind of different. But maybe, hopefully, they're not that different, or that difficult to reconcile, after all.

Level 2, days 7 & 8.

I can't believe it's been almost a week since I did my Tracy! It just goes to show that if I allow myself too much slack, it's way too easy for me to get off track. I did my workout today, pushing myself to do 15 reps for most of the exercises, and I took a 15-minute walk with my dog and then tacked on a measly 5 minutes of rebounder work, but that's still a total of 20 minutes for cardio... kinda.

Food-wise, things were definitely not so great this past week, either. I made a roasted vegetable lasagna with mushrooms and zucchini, which was delicious, but c'mon - carbs and cheese always are. I also went to a family dinner for my grandmother's 80th birthday and had one of the only vegetarian dishes on the menu, which just so happened to be (god, I don't even want to say it) pasta in a three-cheese sauce. The sauce was so rich and thick and creamy, but not even in a good way - it felt like a weight in my stomach, it wasn't even good because it was just too much. And then when I went to brunch with my best friend over the weekend, I had a delicious meal and felt the opposite of what the pasta made me feel - that satisfied feeling where you know your belly is full of delicious, good stuff - but when we got back to my place, we ended up making chocolate chip cookies, hahahaha. So this week has been really indulgent and kind of gross, but I'm back on the train now. I'm going to caramelize some onions and wilt some baby spinach and make a quiche (I've made three already in the past couple of weeks, I'm back on a quiche kick).

I'm also thinking that I might try, instead of doing six days on, one day off, to do three days on, one day off. I think it might be more manageable for me to work in three-day increments, so I won't get totally discouraged waiting for my next rest day - and I'll still be doing six days a week, but my rest day will move around. The only concern I have with that is if I can't fit a workout in on a specific day, but whatever, I will just have to suck it up and learn to wake up an hour earlier if I have to!