Level 2, days 5 & 6.

Day 5 was on Saturday, but after all that soul-searching the night before, I didn't have much energy left for blogging. And that turned into two days off... and now back on again, and, somehow, I've made it past the halfway mark for level 2? How did this happen?!

Today's MS was stellar - well, as stellar as it can be, for me. I did 15 reps of everything, except that last ta-da move, where I did 10 reps on the right side and 8 reps on the left, hahaha. 15 reps doesn't sound like a lot, but the back of my neck/hairline was dripping and I was wobbling like crazy. I'm really proud of myself for pushing through and not giving myself any shortcuts or excuses. DC was not so stellar, I don't know if I even managed 10 minutes. I tried to do the Meta DC on the floor, and then on the rebounder, and my body just wasn't having it. After getting used to DC on the rebounder, trying to jump on the floor feels so terrible, the ground feels so hard. It might be that I need new shoes, I don't know, but cardio's giving me such trouble lately. I'm longing for spring, when I can go out "treadmill" dancing on the bike path - or just walking, or running, or whatever. My body feels like it's craving a jog, and I'm peeved that I can't do that, especially not after we had a SNOWSTORM this weekend!

I've also been thinking a lot about motivation. I know I'm not committed enough to this program, I'm taking way too many rest days. I'd really like to do my Meta at LEAST 5, if not 6, days a week. I also think I need to take a long, hard look at my diet and re-download one of the calorie counting apps I had on my iPod (or when I hopefully get an iPhone 4S?!) so that I can track what I'm eating and be more self-aware in that way.

My mom used to do Richard Simmons - I remember she had one of his Sweatin' To The Oldies VHS tapes, and his FoodMover program - and she also has this book he wrote called Never Give Up, which I dug out of her bedroom and started reading again. His energy is so infectious and the stories are so inspiring - many of these people weighed so much more than I do, and had 200, 300, 400 lbs. to lose. It's kind of helping me put things into perspective.

I have more that I want to say about self-esteem and a conversation I had at work and everything that I've been thinking about, but I'll have to cut this short because I have to leave for work in 15 minutes, so I'll leave it for tomorrow. To be continued!...

Level 2, day 4 and some thoughts on self-esteem and relationships.

Thank you so much for all your sweet comments on my last post. I thought of them while I was doing my workout today - I'm still mostly hating it, but I pushed through. Did 10 minutes of cardio today, and I'm aiming for 15 tomorrow.

Today was definitely a day of reflection for me, though. I've been thinking a lot about the self-esteem issues that I have - during my post-workout shower, I was thinking how part of me is working out because I want to feel beautiful and strong. I've never been in a real relationship, mostly because the guys I usually liked didn't like me back, I never wanted to date any of the guys who were interested in me and I had no interest in dating them just for the experience - it seemed both pointless and unfair to lead them on. But while at work, I was talking to one of my friends and she was telling me that she's interested in this girl, but the girl she's interested in has never been in a relationship and it's putting her (my friend) off. That got me all worried, because I'm 25 and honestly, it makes me feel like kind of a freak that I have no experience in that area of life. What my friend told me really played on my fear that no one is ever going to want to date me because it'll be too weird, there'll be too much of a learning curve for me, it'll be too complicated, they won't want to waste their time or energy, like I'll never be worth it for anybody to take a chance on.

Part of my holding back from being in a relationship also stems from certain things that happened when I was younger, and a sort of emotional breakdown I went through when I was in high school related to those events - that was around the same time that I went through puberty and gained a lot of weight, and I do think that part of my weight gain was due to wanting to build a protective shell around myself. My fat has been a way for me to keep people at a distance, and at the same time, it's also been an excuse - if someone didn't like me, I could justify it by telling myself that it's because I'm not pretty enough, I'm too fat, whatever. It scares me to think that when I lose weight, men might show more interest and I'll have to deal with that.

At the same time, I was thinking today about how I've spent the past ten years of my life feeling like I'm ugly and worthless. That, to me, is just heartbreaking. I look back at pictures from three or four years ago, when I went on tour with my best friend's band, and I think, wow, I really was actually kind of cute back then! But I felt hideous and gross and terrible about myself. And then I think, you know, maybe I'm pretty now too, and I don't want to spend ten more years not believing that. I should be enjoying myself, my body, my life, while I'm in my prime.

Which leads me back to the whole relationship thing. I know I've pushed people away because I'm afraid of letting them in, I'm afraid of so many things - feeling ugly, being taken advantage of, getting hurt, whatever. Sometimes I think I need professional help to get through this, because even if I DID let someone in close enough to start some semblance of a relationship, I don't even know how I would deal with the emotional trauma I've been through, and it seems so unfair to have to drag someone else through all of the bullshit with me.

I'm a good person, I'm sweet and funny, I'm caring and loyal, I love so deeply and I'll work really hard to keep the people around me happy, but I'm also impossibly awkward, I don't know how to navigate social situations, I cry a lot, I have all of this fear and lack of experience and sadness. Sometimes, it seems like the negatives outweigh the positives a hundred to one, and it seems impossible that anyone would ever take a chance on me. It's easy to say that the right guy will be patient with me, that he'll love me enough to go through all the hard stuff with me, but I don't know if that's realistic or if that's just something people say to make you feel better. I feel like the bad stuff is going to scare people away faster than the good stuff can keep them close to me.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess you all were just so encouraging and insightful towards my last concerns that I wonder if anyone will have anything to say on this subject. I guess I'll leave this for now, though, since I pretty much just started crying (see!) and I think I should probably step back and reflect on some of this. Thanks in advance for any insight you brilliant ladies have to share. x

Level 2, day 3.

I guess I kinda disappeared for a while, there... part of it was my stomach bug, part of it was pure laziness, but I somehow managed to convince myself that I didn't want to quit and I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and did my workout today.

Well, kinda.

Arms and abs were okay, but it's legs that kill me - I couldn't even bust out 10 reps for some of these moves, which, of course, made me feel really frustrated and disappointed in myself, and that nagging little voice in my head came back. The one that says, "maybe Tracy is only for people who are already in fairly good shape. Maybe you should give up on this until you're in better shape. Maybe you should just give up entirely and accept that you're fat and you're going to be fat forever!" I HATE that little voice, because it's so easy for me to believe it. I have to really fight to tell myself that Tracy is HOW I'm getting in shape, that by pushing through this, I'll eventually be able to keep up with her much better.

What frustrates me also is that my legs are the strongest part of my body - they're very muscular and firm and strong already, so I hate that they're the hardest part of the MS for me to get through. Sometimes it's due to my poor upper body strength (hello, torture device more commonly known as planks), but sometimes I just feel like my legs are so heavy that I can't lift them. It makes me feel weak and angry and sad.

I also only managed a pitiful 5 minutes of cardio - I got through one song and then broke down and went off to take a shower. The past few days have been so beautiful, weather-wise, that I was hoping to get out for a brisk walk with my dog, but then I caught a flurry of snowflakes falling outside (damnit!) so I guess that ain't happenin' for now.

I feel like I'm in such a quitting mood lately, and I'm sure it's due to a whole bunch of stuff - getting over my bug, not really having eaten real food for three days until I stuffed my face with crap last night, having been out of the workout loop for several days, being on a torturous level that's bad enough even on a good day... I keep trying to stay positive, and, to be fair, I did feel a little swell of pride when I looked in the mirror dressed in my tights and tank-top before my workout, thinking that my body does have a nice shape and I'm actually getting a nice butt and muscles in my arms.

I just get so discouraged by the amount of weight I have to lose, but I have to keep telling myself that I'm not going to lose it by sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I don't mind if it comes off more slowly, I don't expect to lose ten pounds in two weeks or something - it's not the progress that bothers me, it's the sheer size of the mountain I'm trying to climb. It's easy for me to pep talk myself with all of the "take it one day at a time" stuff, but it's much harder for me to actually absorb that and live it and try to find some kind of balance and make some kind of peace with the journey I'm on.

Sick day.

So I took a rest day yesterday, thinking I'd get back on the ball today - but when I woke up this morning, I had horrible stomach cramps. I ate a few Tums, took a shower and started to get dressed, thinking that maybe my sick feeling would go away. It didn't, so I finally decided to call in sick to work, which ended up being the right move, because I spent the whole day running back and forth between the bathroom and my bed, curled up in fetal position with a heating pad on my stomach (which was the only thing that seemed to bring a little bit of relief).

After 12 hours, I started to feel a little better, so I allowed myself some fresh fruit juice - I juiced a pear and a handful of green grapes, and drank maybe half the juice in little baby sips, so it really wasn't much. The only other thing I had today was a cup of ginger, peppermint and fennel tea in the morning. I'm starting to feel a little bit of an appetite, but I think I'm just going to read some Harry Potter and go to bed - I don't want to eat anything for fear of not being out of the woods yet. I'm already worried enough about the fruit juice I had not being good for my stomach!

We'll see how I feel tomorrow, but I might give myself a break on the workout unless my body's feeling fantastically better. I think I need some time to rest and recover, but I should be back by Monday.

Level 2, day 2.

Today was definitely a tough one - I only did 15 minutes of cardio, and I scraped through another 10 or 15 reps in my MS, but I could already feel slight changes (for example, I actually managed to do the last "ta-da!" move today). I also used 3 lbs. weights for my arms, which made a CRAZY difference, holy crap they were so heavy! I definitely think they're going to make a huge difference in my arms.

Food-wise, I went grocery shopping last night and bought a huge bunch of dill to try in a salad recipe. While wondering, "What else can I do with dill?" I remembered my best friend's incredible potato salad, so I sent her an email asking her what she puts in there and when I got home last night, I made a big bowl of potato salad - and promptly ate most of it. I finished it for breakfast today, and I'm already planning another batch.

See, my best friend is the kind of person who can throw a bunch of ingredients together and make a meal. She doesn't usually bother with measuring anything, she just tosses it all in there as she goes along. So I used her philosophy while making her potato salad, tossing together some sour cream with a little mayo, loads of chopped dill, boiled potatoes and hard-boiled eggs, chopped leek, and I added some diced celery for a little crunch. I'll have to make it again with Greek yogurt today, since I only bought the littlest container of sour cream, so we'll see how that turns out, but I think she would approve of my adventurous spirit. As long as it tastes good, right?

Level 2, day 1.

After previewing level 2 last night, I thought "What fresh hell is this?!" Everything looked so fast and insane, for a few minutes I thought I must have skipped ahead to level 3 by accident, but alas.

I still feel like there should have been a level in between to prepare me for this madness, but I'm sure that's part of the process - to push yourself harder, so that by the end of level 2, I'll be all "I can do it after all!" I mean, that's my hope, because I definitely couldn't do it all today. I barely managed 10 reps of everything, and some, like that move where you have to lift off on your palm and one knee, the one where she tells you to have the "ta-da!" moment with your foot, I couldn't even manage at all. I'm reeeeeally hoping I can manage to step it up as I go along, because today's MS was totally pathetic.

As for DC, I did maybe 20 minutes (10 before MS and 10 after) before stepping off the rebounder to get some water, and when I did that, my legs were so wobbly that I felt like I was in Harry Potter and someone had put the Jelly-Legs Jinx on me. Also, Jelly-Arms. While I was previewing arms yesterday, I thought "Holy crap, I'll never be able to do them that fast," but I DID. It was much easier to follow when I was actually doing them, and the free arms made my arms burn SO BAD. I used my 1 lb. weights since it was my first day, but I think I'll move up to 3 lbs. from now on, since I really want to push myself with arms. Anyway, I can hardly walk or lift my arms or hold anything, which I think is a good start for level 2.

Metamorphosis, day 10!!!!

I made it to day 10!!!! And it only took me 18 days, hahahaha. But still, I'm proud of myself, especially because I almost didn't do my day 10 workout today - I didn't sleep very much or very well last night, because one of the boys I was babysitting for the slumber party kept talking/yelling in his sleep and waking me up, and I was so exhausted today. I ended up taking a three-hour nap and got my workout in this evening, which was different for me, since I usually work out in the morning or late afternoon. But I'm glad I did it.

I don't know if I'll be able to start level 2 tomorrow, since I'm working an 8-hour shift instead of my usual 4 - but we'll see if I feel up to working out when I get home. I do have Tuesday - Friday off, though, so I think that'll give me a great start on level 2, with no interruptions. I haven't previewed level 2 yet, I'm kind of nervous but excited as well.

And speaking of excitement, let me share my new measurements with you! I added some new ones (taking both thighs and arms instead of just on the left side, and the ever-confusing left bikini, right bikini).

Measurements, day 10:

weight: 199.2 (-1.8 lbs)

bust (cup): 41" (no change)

bust (band): 32" (-.75")

arm (L): 12 (-1")

arm (R): 13"

waist (smallest part): 32" (no change)

stomach (belly button) 41.5" (+.5")

hips: 44.5" (-.5")

thigh (L): 23" (no change)

thigh (R): 23"

bikini (L): 26"

bikini (R) 26.5"

Considering how long it took me to get through level 1, and the fact that I'm not following a food plan, and that I took so many rest days, I'm pretty pleased with those results! Of course, I want to beat them for level 2, so I'll have to push myself harder and make it happen, but we're off to a good start, I think.